“Stop fussing, Roger! Yes, I know. We didn’t order any of the stuff in this package. I’ll just call this number and straighten ‘em out.”
“Ajax-Special. May I help you?”
As she puts the phone on speaker, Betty thinks out loud, “Odd. No list of options.”
“Miss, we got a package from you we didn’t order. There’s no return information.”
“Were the items satisfactory?”
“We didn’t order them.”
“Ajax is here to do your shopping. This shipment introduces Ajax-Special. You will receive everything you need weekly—groceries, meals, the latest fashions, personal items, prescription refills, treats for your bassett hound. Ajax will provide for your addictions—chocolate, gin, cigarettes, marijuana. We schedule appointments—hairdresser, barber, dentist.”
“Wait!” Roger interrupts, “I don’t get it. How do you know about our bassett hound?”
“We know everything. You have no secrets from Ajax.”
“Barber? I know when I need a haircut. I like my dentist.”
“Ajax computers receive daily images. We’re better equipped to decide your hair length. Ajax dental care is excellent. There is a small and reasonable fee for these services.”
“Am I surprised?” Betty quips.
“The small and reasonable fee is $5,000 per month with a promise of no additional service fees or increases for two years.”
Betty chokes. “Sorry, miss. We don’t need you. Thanks.”
“You will be making a big mistake.”
“Look, we get everything at Walmart. We’re not paying $5,000.”
“All big box stores have merged with Ajax and will close. Ajax-Special is your only option. Please consider the excellent services. Are the items in your introductory package satisfactory?”
Roger whispers, “Betty, put her on mute.”
After muting, the voice continues without a break, and Betty realizes they’re talking to a machine.
“The small and reasonable fee is a bargain. We supply everything—internet, cell, streaming, attorneys, doctors, burials,” the voice drones on.
“Listen, Betty. Maybe it’s a good deal.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Can’t you tell it’s a scam?”
“Suppose it isn’t. Don’t we spend that much? Hey! Try it a month. The burial is worth the price, isn’t it? What if I kill myself? Coffins are expensive.”
“Be sensible, Roger. That’s not funny.”
“Just tell ‘er we’ll take it a month.”
When Betty unmutes, the disembodied voice becomes more machine-like. “Suicide is not—acceptable. Ajax cannot—receive the small and reasonable fee—if you are dead. You must agree to Ajax-Special. The small and reasonable fee is a bargain. You must agree …”
Betty ends the call with a click.
“What’d you do that for? We can’t get ‘er back.”
“It’s a scam, Roger. Scam!”
“Where‘re you gonna shop when all the stores close? Call ‘er back. Take the deal.”
“I will NOT!”
“Betty! What’ll we do without Walmart?”
“Roger, stop fussing!”